If only I were human

I love Jennifer’s Mother.
From Page 139

“My mother often explained to me that the skill set for childhood is not anything like the skill set for adulthood. She told me that I just didn’t have the traits that would make me excel at being a kid, especially in social life, but that I did have a lot of traits that would be great in an adult. She pointed out that many of the kids who were popular and seemed to have it all were going to undermine their hopes for adulthood by the end of high school (or college at the latest) with binge drinking, experimenting with drugs, maltreating their bodies to achieve fashionable thinness, causing themselves permanent physical damage in pursuits of sports glory, and so forth. Many others would simply find that all of the traits and skills that they had so carefully honed throughout high school simply didn’t work in adult life. She told me that when those people were sitting around at age forty, drinking and remembering those few years of perfection, I would have a life.

“In short, my mother was fond of reminding me that childhood is a temporary state. Both of my parents admitted that childhood is essentially very stressful and that most of the traits prized in children have little to do with adult achievement or functionality. Without them impressing the importance of this little secret to me, I might not have been able to keep going through high school.”

I just made some beautiful salad of my favorite vegetables.

brussel sprouts, split in half and lightly carmelized
tofu, firm
beets, also split and carmelized
preserved chinese turnips, boiled, and fried crunchy
pea sprouts
olive oil to taste
sesame oil to taste
toss and mmm!

Today I was at Brotman to see my psychiatrist. On the way, I happened to pass by a woman who was picking up wet newspapers. It’s a rainy day today. And then she proceded to throw them into the street, yelling “I go to church”. I felt she had something important to say, but I decided to ignore her like most of the people on the busy street there. It’s hard being crazy on a rainy day. I started to wonder about whether or not I could be doing similar at this point in my life.

It was about ten or more years ago when I painted on the street in the middle of conservative, rich Ridgewood, by the library when they were looking for donations. I remember thinking, this is my donation, this artwork I’m drawing on the street.

Today I think I could probably handle doing similarly risque performing arts tactics, but I really need a cause and a logical reason behind them. I don’t want to be crazy for crazy’s sake. I just want to be myself. So for reason number 5, I would know who I am without a doubt, and I know I’m not crazy. I think there is always an element of identity-crisis when I think I am crazy, otherwise, why would things make suck little sense?

I read this graphic novel by Will Eisner, which I admire for many reasons, but it particularly resonates with the comic book I’m planning on writing for two reasons- all the stories are about real people whose identities remain anonymous, and each story has a very sure conclusion.

The other book I started reading is by a Korean American who has won many awards for it: “Re-Gifters”.

I’m also sticking to the idea of using the story of a cuckoo to illustrate a point, in the vein of Neil Gaiman when he wrote “A Doll’s House” except that I will prove that it is sinister to blame the child regardless of its origins for a crime committed with it.

When I am able to be in control of my anger, my sadness, and my wild abandon or happiness I find myself able to do more, and therefore feel like a true artist. If I can do anything I put my mind to, and really mean it, I feel empowered to make the kinds of statements that artists are supposed to make with clarity, precision, and beauty. My sixth reason for staying sane is that I need it to be a great artist.

I identify with more people when I think I am sane. This is very comforting. When I am less sane, I am prone to believing that I am having an identity crisis. I have had identity issues with my sexuality, my religion, and my ethnicity. It’s very difficult being a young adult in American society when you have had little social experience with romance, and when you don’t often see yourself with other people who have similar identity issues, people who don’t always let you speak your mind. So my crazy was inside a virgin bottle with no ship inside and no sails, all wet behind the ears and full of tears. My seventh reason for staying sane is that I get to speak my mind, and I know where I stand.
As a footnote, I want to make it clear that just because I think I need reasons to stay sane, I don’t feel in so much control of it that I can really be sure that I can stay there. It’s not as if taking medication and doing things well can prevent me from becoming symptomatic. I simply am taking some time away from my reality and wishing a little bit as if I could have this kind of supernatural control.

I identify with more people when I think I am sane. This is very comforting. When I am less sane, I am prone to believing that I am having an identity crisis. I have had identity issues with my sexuality, my religion, and my ethnicity. It’s very difficult being a young adult in American society when you have had little social experience with romance, and when you don’t often see yourself with other people who have similar identity issues, people who don’t always let you speak your mind. So my crazy was inside a virgin bottle with no ship inside and no sails, all wet behind the ears and full of tears. My seventh reason for staying sane is that I get to speak my mind, and I know where I stand.
As a footnote, I want to make it clear that just because I think I need reasons to stay sane, I don’t feel in so much control of it that I can really be sure that I can stay there. It’s not as if taking medication and doing things well can prevent me from becoming symptomatic. I simply am taking some time away from my reality and wishing a little bit as if I could have this kind of supernatural control.

You are probably thinking, it’s crazy to think that I need reasons to stay sane. Well, actually in my case, as an artist, it was hard for me to distinguish between being a unique and creative thinker from being impossible to understand because it was so out in left field. A big problem for me was the communication thing; being a mumbler and being shy makes a terrible combination for most social scenarios. At best, you will have a patient person who is willing to ask “What did you say?” or mention “Sorry I didn’t understand what you said.”
So today’s reason for staying sane is that it helps me distinguish between what I am capable of doing from what I am unwilling to do. I think that being able to function in society means taking as many risks as you need to to cope with your everyday problems. If that means I have to talk to myself to figure out what is going on, then that is what I’m going to do. I try not to exclude other people when they seem perturbed by it, but sometimes I can’t help but ignore them in order to get through whatever stuff it is I’m neck deep inside of. These kinds of risks can lead to isolation, but I am learning new ways to cope so that I don’t have to resort to this. For instance, I will call friends and ask for their help. Or I will talk it out with my own journal like I do here sometimes. Or I will go directly to the source of the problem and try to figure out what it is I need. Reason number eight is that sanity is my measure for taking risks not because I need to, but because I want to. It means I am in more control of what others understand from me because I can be in as much control of how I am communicating as I want to be.

You are probably thinking, it’s crazy to think that I need reasons to stay sane. Well, actually in my case, as an artist, it was hard for me to distinguish between being a unique and creative thinker from being impossible to understand because it was so out in left field. A big problem for me was the communication thing; being a mumbler and being shy makes a terrible combination for most social scenarios. At best, you will have a patient person who is willing to ask “What did you say?” or mention “Sorry I didn’t understand what you said.”
So today’s reason for staying sane is that it helps me distinguish between what I am capable of doing from what I am unwilling to do. I think that being able to function in society means taking as many risks as you need to to cope with your everyday problems. If that means I have to talk to myself to figure out what is going on, then that is what I’m going to do. I try not to exclude other people when they seem perturbed by it, but sometimes I can’t help but ignore them in order to get through whatever stuff it is I’m neck deep inside of. These kinds of risks can lead to isolation, but I am learning new ways to cope so that I don’t have to resort to this. For instance, I will call friends and ask for their help. Or I will talk it out with my own journal like I do here sometimes. Or I will go directly to the source of the problem and try to figure out what it is I need. Reason number eight is that sanity is my measure for taking risks not because I need to, but because I want to. It means I am in more control of what others understand from me because I can be in as much control of how I am communicating as I want to be.

The worst thing about being sane is that sometimes I think life is boring. But that’s only because I forgot how scary life was for me when my emotions were out of control. I think that my illness was inherited rather than learned because I think of myself as very introverted and therefore most of my behavior was not learned from other people because I tended to be alone. I also think of my illness as something that comes of being afraid of learning from other people as much as it is a defense mechanism. This would be my ninth reason to stay sane- because although life may seem boring, staying rational gives me the freedom to choose how to behave with confidence. My confidence must be born out of this kind of security. And only with confidence can I start to take the kinds of risks that will make life extraordinary.

The worst thing about being sane is that sometimes I think life is boring. But that’s only because I forgot how scary life was for me when my emotions were out of control. I think that my illness was inherited rather than learned because I think of myself as very introverted and therefore most of my behavior was not learned from other people because I tended to be alone. I also think of my illness as something that comes of being afraid of learning from other people as much as it is a defense mechanism. This would be my ninth reason to stay sane- because although life may seem boring, staying rational gives me the freedom to choose how to behave with confidence. My confidence must be born out of this kind of security. And only with confidence can I start to take the kinds of risks that will make life extraordinary.

The best thing about being sane is that things actually start to make sense. I think the hardest part of growing up for me was realizing that feelings mean something. I had the tendency to disregard my own feelings and other people’s feelings simply because I believed they didn’t matter as much as the work to be done. This is still what to me feels normal partly because of the way things were done in my family. If you had to get a shot, it didn’t matter if it was your father that did it because your feelings didn’t matter. So now that I have been in touch with myself with this kinda stuff, it’s starting to make more sense where these alien things called emotions are supposed to belong. So my feelings which I thought were simply irrational with regards to stress are actually becoming more manageable, and it is easier to relate to other people because I can understand where feelings really fit in the picture now. It’s always the intangible things that are hardest to predict without knowing a very basic sense of order. This is number ten.

I will come up with numbers 9 through one sooner or later. Please excuse me if I change my mind about which reason is the best or my favorite. I tend not to be able to read my own future too well.

http://www.midwestspecialneedstrust.org/resources/default.htm
I was looking for information specific to how to budget for a grant, and came across this particular grant for those with mental illness.

The best thing about being sane is that things actually start to make sense. I think the hardest part of growing up for me was realizing that feelings mean something. I had the tendency to disregard my own feelings and other people’s feelings simply because I believed they didn’t matter as much as the work to be done. This is still what to me feels normal partly because of the way things were done in my family. If you had to get a shot, it didn’t matter if it was your father that did it because your feelings didn’t matter. So now that I have been in touch with myself with this kinda stuff, it’s starting to make more sense where these alien things called emotions are supposed to belong. So my feelings which I thought were simply irrational with regards to stress are actually becoming more manageable, and it is easier to relate to other people because I can understand where feelings really fit in the picture now. It’s always the intangible things that are hardest to predict without knowing a very basic sense of order. This is number ten.

I will come up with numbers 9 through one sooner or later. Please excuse me if I change my mind about which reason is the best or my favorite. I tend not to be able to read my own future too well.